Missing

Last month, I had a gig with a Christian band for a 4-day youth camp. It wasn’t like the gigs I was used to but it was definitely much more fun and memorable. The whole experience was such a blessing that I was moved to write and post a short poem. I hope you enjoy it.

Missing

Memories slipping
will not hinder my missing
the rowdy night owls
the quick meandering fowls
the wet grass stained feet
the sweltering noontime heat
the brief contentment
the resounding incitement
the bruised purple knees
the long perilous journeys
the hard-fought slumber
the teary-eyed song number
the bonds we have grown
and the fading comfort zone
Missing, still missing
til fate seals our next meeting


Black

Of eyes that felt pain
Or feeling unwanted rain
Of losing what’s left
And after the final breath
Of failing heaven
Or those elitist seven
Of thoughts going south
And broke streetlights going out

All my rage aimed back
Filled me up with shades of black

Not when our hands meet
And ease off then the repeat
Not the tense small talks
Nor the promise of short walks
Not of pleasant dreams
And every time her face beams
Not when the heart skips
Nor of her inviting lips

All these things I lack
Left my ticker cold and black

It is deep dark space
Not in her hypnotic grace
It is the abyss
Not the thought of her sweet kiss
It is damnation
Not this blissful sensation
It is left unsaid
And the distance it has bred

Begged for the last act
I yield to curtains of black


Ambivalence

JCI Run To Lead 2012  6k  03/11/12

 

Reasons Not To Run This Race:

  • Due to unclassified knee injury, I can only run for a kilometer or jog for two kilometers.
  • I hate walking during races.
  • I barely ran two weeks prior to this race.
  • My mom told me not too.
  • I really hate walking during races.

 

Reasons To Run This Race:

  • I miss sprinting at the gun start.
  • If only to adhere to my stubborn nature.
  • I need the workout.
  • Some guy named Coach Rio is promoting it and people say his popular.
  • Why not?
  • I already paid for it. Damn.

 

Reasons To Quit Midrace:

  • The injury might get worse.
  • It really hurts.
  • I won’t be getting a PR with this knee.
  • This is not fun anymore.

 

Reasons Not To Quit Midrace:

  • A neighbor already saw me in the race.
  • I already ‘ran’ 3 kilometers; another 3 kilometers would be a cinch.
  • This makes up for the awfully low mileage of the last few weeks.
  • I don’t have anything better to do.
  • I need to justify eating all those post race treats.

 

Reasons To Keep Racing:

  • I love running.

 

Reasons To Quit Racing:

  • I love running. 48:57.34

Dream

Glances that last forever
Or at least ’til the next time
A touch that stilled the ‘nevers’
Leaking from my wary mind

So see pass desires to smile
Drown senses with warning signs
Reasons caught up to guile
Bear witness to my decline

Tear myself from the sweetest song
And ride off into the sunset
I knew how this’d end all along
Let it die a natural death

I woke from a monthlong dream
Where things were never as they seemed
Medicate with raging screams
Woke too late from a monthlong dream


In The Company Of Pain

SM 2 SM Run 2012  12k  02/12/12

There was no fear or excitement. My last long run occurred 8 days before the race and ended with a precursor of an injury on my left knee. Fear was an acceptable emotion. The last race ended terribly and the memory of it was like a raw wound, which had me craving for redemption. Some degree of excitement was understandable. These two emotions were strangely lacking though as I waited for the announcement for the start of the race. Not that I minded their absence. I often ran fearful and excited towards less productive results.

A steady rain kept the runners’ excitement level at a low level. The presence of rain delighted me though. I had prayed for rain for several races passed. Rain could prove to be an equalizer to runners near my level. Well, that was the hypothesis that I ran with. The half marathon started with a bang. A short fireworks display took some of the dreariness from the participants. I stepped out of the shade to gaze at their fleeting beauty. As the bright lights died down, I jogged for a good spot nearest to the starting line. The early birds were awarded a place beyond the ankle deep puddles. A runner commented on the pointlessness of dodging these puddles. We were all going to be soaking wet anyway.

Oddly enough, this race was quite uneventful for my first rainy day race. Even the 12k fireworks display fizzled at the first bang. Not much happened but I do remember people. I remember a middle aged runner with a pronounced forward lean that had me pondering whether I should inform him of it. My inability to keep up with him stilled my tongue. I recall a woman wearing a sports bra and the sight of her made me feel cold. There was also a running couple that got separated. The man let his woman go ahead because he had to pee.

The route went through a historical park and from there headed to the entrance of SRP. It was just then that I understood that any race that goes through SRP was bound to be breathtaking. Even the bad weather could not dampen the awesomeness of running near the sea. The sight of the endless sea made my heart swell with elation, which reminded me. I had not felt the usual pains that came with running for the first few kilometers. My confidence soared.

The fifth kilometer brought a welcomed sight in the form of the prettiest triathlete (last seen at the Run United Cebu 2011 race) I have personally seen. Her strides were fast and powerful and the way her hair bobbed from left to right was hypnotic. For some reason, she was looking away and not straight ahead as she passed me. Did I make her uneasy by staring too much? Probably yes. I could not help it. As she disappeared from my sight, a pressing matter came to my attention. The knee pain was back and I had not reached the turning point. The initial reaction to the pain fell away quickly. It wasn’t that bad yet and the turning point was in sight. When I did reach six kilometers, I picked up the pace. 40 minutes was long enough for a six kilometer jog. I quickly passed the forward leaning guy and the sports bra lady. Most of the 12k runners were slowing down as I started to make my move.

The first 40 minutes tested my patience but, with the increased pace, I let myself enjoy the rush. Thoughts of competition entered my mind. This was finally a race. I searched for challengers. The fastest runner I could find was a 20 something lady. I tried passing her but she sped up. Even when she stopped for a drink, I could not take the lead. She must have noticed my little challenge since she slowed almost imperceptibly for me to catch up. It might have been a ploy to prolong our little game but I never caught up. The pain on my left knee was worsening. She eventually disappeared from sight leaving me alone in our game of tag. No, not alone. I had plenty of pain for company. Suddenly, my courage was being tested and, based on my long history of defeat, I was going to lose. I don’t know what happened though. Was it the weather or the route? Whatever it was that kept me going, it worked. I did not quit. Walking was quitting. I did not walk. A DNF was never going to happen. I clung to my courage (or was it stubbornness?) like a man overboard would cling to a lifeline. The pain was not as bad as a side stitch but I knew I would not be running for a while. It did not matter at this point. All that mattered was the finish line.

The kick hurt like hell. Every breath out of my lips carried a tune of pain as I went through intervals of limping and running. Near the end, I was hopping with my right leg while dragging my left leg. Passing the finish line granted my left knee the mercy of walking. Someone hung my first ever finisher’s medal around my neck and it felt good wearing it. Now, I understand why people collected these things. For once, I took my time enjoying my postrace meal and the festivities. The journey home was going to be painful so I savored the feeling of accomplishment. 1:18:01.23


Escape

Unreal stars to guide seekers
Of bliss under the nightly shroud
A painted sun to rouse dreamers
Hidden behind curtains like clouds
These uplifting scenes we behold
Inspire us to take wing and fly
Soar freely in our winged forms
Circling higher into the sky
Then stare at the abyss as we
Let ourselves go and free-fall
We lock hands, embrace gravity
And let the heavens take all
In our own small world, let us be eagles
Escape velocity, escape troubles


Back To Square One

Cebu City Marathon 2012  5k  01/08/12

Before the race:

  • Brrrr.
  • Burning question: Will I run like cheetah at a savannah or corgis on a treadmill?
  • Pretty fireworks.
  • Mud. Everywhere.
  • Is it just me or did my belly get bigger?
  • These shorts are too short for me.

 

During the race:

  • Slowest start ever.
  • Yep. There it is. Ouch.
  • Pain level: 7 out 10. Minute 13. This is going to be fun.
  • Could this stretch of road get any steeper?
  • Okay. I give. 10 minutes. No! 5 minute walking break.
  • 1 kilometer to go. Run. Run!
  • That woman sounds like she’s in labor.
  • Breathing hurts. Light bulb! I should do a breathless kick.

 

After the race:

  • Answer: Corgis on a treadmill.
  • I think I’m gonna puke.
  • Oh, great. A band.
  • MOVES LIKE JAGGER!
  • Don’t I have a singing audition tomorrow?
  • Eternal question: Which is hotter; a hot runner or a hot singer?
  • Those Globe & Castrol models need a sandwich and a nap.
  • Not in the mood for cool downs.
  • That guitarist is too old for that genre.
  • Should’ve joined the fun run version of this race.
  • I’m swearing off dairy during race week for good.
  • My belly did get bigger!
  • Maybe next time.

 

Days later:

  • I’m not in the finisher’s list. Is that good or bad? 33:07.75

Something Sinister

Run United Cebu 2011 10k 12/18/11

It has been a while. Sigh. I could be more excited since this is my first race in exactly 3 months but I knew better. I had not done any runs longer than five kilometers in months. To make matters worse, I had not done any runs reaching five kilometers in weeks.

I knew the transition of training from track to road was going to be difficult so I enrolled at Runnr Academy. The seminars were often interesting and the group 5k runs were quite challenging. I didn’t really bond with the runners but I was almost sad it ended; a special emphasis on the ‘almost’ there. The venue took almost an hour of travel and I had quite a number of near death experiences trying to catch up to the fastest runner. Those were fun times though.

After I graduated from Runnr Academy and accepted a cool singlet, I overcame my ‘shyness’ went it came to road running. Running was a breeze if you didn’t mind the very real possibility of getting hit by a car or being chased by dogs or getting mugged. I suppose that runners from all over the world had to face these dangers at some point in their lives. Route planning was a bit of a chore though. There were so many factors to think about: safety, accessibility, distance, dog population, etc. I never really thought about these things before. This led me to be conservative about my routes, which in turn led to some of my running friends urging me to increase the distance. I eventually gave in but only in small increments and, if needed, I always went back to my shortest route.

With this mediocre training program in mind, I came into the race in full training mode. The festive mood chafed at me even as I envied the readiness projected by the racers. After the warm-up, I started to think that this race was either going to be a disaster or a chore when I saw a pretty sight near the starting line, a girl. Not just any girl. She was famous in the local running scene because of those ads and news articles about her winning in a triathlon. However, the first time I ever saw her was when she outkicked me on the last kilometer of the Y101 Armscor Run. I only saw glimpses of her but those were enough. I was smitten but I can’t exactly pinpoint which part of her like. Was it her girl next door looks or her blistering kick? I didn’t know. I still don’t know. One thing was for certain at that point though. The goal had shifted. I had fully intended to chase her all throughout the 10 kilometer course.

Then, it started. No, not the race. It was something else, something more sinister. I can’t fully disclose what it was but let me just leave it to me wanting to go to the John very badly, which was unfortunately situated 400 meters away. Was it number 1 or number 2? Quit asking! Whatever I needed doing, I needed to do it in 3 minutes. I didn’t make it to the gun start. By the time I started the race, I had stepped on a mud puddle and elbowed my way pass the 5k racers. This race was not going my way at all.

It was going my way, at least, for the first six kilometers. I remember little of those six kilometers. The training had taken over. I just ran like I usually did. The sixth kilometer was when I snapped out of my meditative running though. My left foot, specifically the forefoot, was radiating in pain. The pain reminded me of the true purpose of this race. It was not to chase some pretty/fast girl. This race was my long run and there wasn’t supposed to be any pressure getting a PR.

I ran/walked the rest of the way. Powerade was served on every water station. I sipped it leisurely during my walking breaks. No pressure. I even had time to ponder whether the drizzle would turn to rain.

At the last kilometer, I resolved that I shouldn’t walk anymore. I ran the rest of the way. My left foot protested of course but the pain was forgotten when I saw a familiar face during the distance were I normally initiated my kick. I invited him to sprint with me but he was a bandit so I had to proceed on my own. It wasn’t as powerful as I wanted it to be. A lot of people were crowding the finishing line. The kick kind of shied away.

After the race, I collected my loot bag and went home right away since I needed to go to Church with my family. I did not bother with the chip time. It most likely had the same time as my watch, which it did. A few days later, I saw my time at RunRio.com and it was surprising. It wasn’t my finish time that surprised me. What was surprising was my 5k time. It was an unofficial PR, which was the type of PR that involved side stitches and dizziness. I didn’t suffer any symptoms after the race at all. 27:10. Yikes. In my 19th race of 2011, I got my first honest to God running epiphany. 1:09:34.07


Kites

Distracted
See how it flies
Flash impact
The head collides
Crash and burn
The pain ignites
Salt to wound
The fever spikes
Screaming out
Concise goodbyes
Slip from form
Ill-timed demise
Pay the fare
The ride awaits
Fall to hell
No pearly gates
Sun rises
The night expires
No ashes
He dreamt of kites
Mere figments
Preacher descends
All silent
The nightmare ends


Elation

The heat seeps into the bones
As visions of carnage spread forth
The growl on my lips disowns
Every reasoning to abort
My trembling fists long to hurt
To inflict the cruelest wounds
Until he returns to dirt
Or begs mercy in pleading tunes
Make him bleed, make him suffer
Screams the madness in my head
This urge, driving me further
Into the red, into bloodshed
Because the greatest elation
Lies in the path of destruction


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